Registration Open for ND Fan Football Clinic
by SixShutouts66 (2021-04-01 01:32:34)
Edited on 2022-09-05 23:52:49

The cash-starved Notre Dame Athletic Department is pleased to announce the return of its annual Coaching Clinic for Fans after its suspension last year due to the pandemic. The clinic will be held on June 31st in the cavernous Stepan Center to hold the expected large crowd and maintain safe distancing. For those traveling a great distance or wishing to have a typical Notre Dame experience, overnight accommodations will be available in Zahm House through Anthony Travel.

The cost of the clinic will be $100 for those seated in the hoi polloi section. For those interested in being closer to the speakers and meeting a higher class of fan, tickets to Lou’s Legion, Ara’s Knights, Leahy’s Lads, and Rock’s Ramblers are available for $150-$200.

NDNation has been rewarded complementary tickets for withholding its yearly diatribe on the state of the football program. They will distribute tickets to Board Ops with additional tickets available for the two Kelly Lovers on the website and a random selection of the most ignored posters for the remaining five seats. Other NDNation posters will receive discounts to the clinic and savings on a tour of the locker room, the GUG, slapping the Play Like a Champion sign, and purchase of “Breathe Like a Champion” protective masks and unused 2020 National Champion t-shirts .

Reverend Edward Malloy will give the invocation, speaking about the recently discovered and little-known Ninth Beatitude, “Blessed are the Incompetent for They shall lead “. Father makes the point that success often requires overcoming obstacles, even self-inflicted ones, and doing so is a show of true character.

From its beginning Notre Dame has faced difficult challenges head-on rather than taking the easy road. Father Sorin bypassed locations with a warmer climate, livelier social environment, and better scenery (hotter women) to establish Our Lady’s University in a dismal, dreary South Bend.

Father will stress the importance of not taking the easy path to success that other colleges have and overcoming self-inflicted obstacles by incompetent leadership. More than winning championships, men like Leahy, Rockne, Ara, and Lou have resurrected the football program from utter mediocrity - making their and our successes more satisfying. We should regard incompetent leadership for what it is: a challenge to overcome that will make success more savory by its difficulty and long wait.

The initial speaker will be former Athletic Director, Dr. Kevin White. He will describe the difficulties he had implementing Fr. Malloy’s vision, struggling to identify incompetent leaders and his success in locking them into long contracts. At the break, Dr. White will be available to sign copies of his runaway best seller “How and When to Skip Town Before Incompetence is Discovered”.

Beloved former coach Tyrone (Tyger) Willingham will then speak on Recruiting 101 and its importance in achieving and maintaining mediocrity. He will talk about the movie that influenced his life “How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying” and relate how that led to his attempt to win football without offensive linemen and how to achieve stress-free mediocrity. Unfortunately Mr. Willingham will be unable to attend the clinic, but will speak remotely from the tee at the 16th hole at Pebble Beach.

Charlie Weis will lecture how Schematic Advantage trumps Physical Conditioning. His life story resonates with many of you: how a chubby, unathletic, and obnoxiously smart child followed an unusual path to become a football coach and order around the kind of young men who regularly stole his lunch money in grade school. Despite his limited playing experience as a third-string high school offensive lineman, Mr. Weis succeeded in becoming a highly sought-after coach. Playing under the screen name of Big Muchacho, he dominated numerous Fantasy Football leagues and the National Video Football League, where he won national championships in EA NCAA football three times and John Madden NFL football twice within a 5 year period.

After his lecture, attendees may also draw up plays on their napkins for Coach Weiss to evaluate, and he will describe their flaws, to confirm that he’s the smartest person in the room. This will be followed by the Viewing of the Rings Ceremony.

Due to the expected length of Coach Charlie’s talk and interaction with his fans, refreshments will then be served. Besides the usual fare, added treats will leftover pizza crusts and gourmet hot dogs, which will be graciously provided by the Honorable Bob Davie from a nearby 7-11.

As a contrapuntal exercise, Coach Gerry Faust will then talk about the brilliance of installing a high school offense in college football. He found that in the copycat NCAA world of football that few coaches were ready for his novel offense, leading to utter confusion on their part. Fortunately he brought along many members of his high school team to expedite the difficult transition to his offense.

Unfortunately Coach Dan Devine passed away several years ago and is not available to present his popular lecture: “How Keeping Joe Montana on the Bench Advanced My Career and Helped Make Him the GOAT”. We are attempting to find another speaker to read the notes from this classic lecture. As of now, we’re still looking for someone with the same enthusiasm, eloquence, wit, warmth, and charisma as Coach Dan. We’re also trying to find someone who understands Coach Devine’s brilliant logic.

In a similar vein, former defensive coordinator John Tenuta will relate the great confusion his teams were able to sow by tipping their blitzes. His approach caused quarterbacks and offensive coordinators to overthink the situation and fail to take advantage of his football gambit. Mr. Tenuta will lead of discussion of the four basic bad defenses (Right Scheme- Wrong Players, Wrong Scheme – Good Players, Wrong Scheme - Bad Players, Right Scheme – Good Players – Bad Coach) – all of which Notre Dame has experienced.

One of his successors, Brian van Gorder, will lecture on his novel Chinese Fire Drill Defense, the eight possible options each player has on each play, and the Cover None option it provided. He will also discuss the sensitive subject of the necessity of maintaining one’s reputation in the face of incompetency and how an initial 37-0 victory raised expectations and provided cover. He will speak fondly of 150 pound Chinese Exchange Student Cho Slo, who understood the defensive scheme and was a vital cog in calling its signals. A Mandarin to English translation will be provided for interested audience members.

George O’Leary was invited to talk about resume writing skills, but the Board of Trustees rescinded the invitation. Likewise, John Gruden was not invited due to his use of naughty words that the Powers That Be felt might corrupt the audience

Bob Davie will then lecture the audience on the difficulty and effort required in learning time management skills. We expect Mr. Davie will still be speaking when his allotted time is over and the gun goes off. One of his key points is that incompetence often requires a proactive strategy. He will speak of the necessity of eliminating the competent leftover coaches and how accusing an old fart of smoking turned the trick for him. Note that Mr. Davie is not accepting blame for anything and is very resentful of the Blame Davie cult.

Mr. Brian Polian will then address how he continues the legacy of Father Corby. He will speak of the difficulty of identifying fair catch specialists among high school players, the heated recruiting battles for these sought-after specialists, and the continual danger of players straying from their mission.

As a special treat for those willing to sign Non-Disclosure Agreements, members of Polian’s Pirates will treat the audience to their choreographed Punt Return Touchdown Celebration. Members of the team have kept this alive in secret practices for over 10 years, since there is no time to practice it during the allotted practice time and haven’t had the opportunity to do it in games. The NDAs are necessary, since the Slippery Rock is no longer available to receive the punishment due for the University of No Classes, the Tattoo State U, Sandusky State, or SEC Bagmen. The NCAA Keystone Cops are looking violations to demonstrate their power, and practicing dance moves outside the allotted time certainly fits the bill.

Mr Brian Kelly will speak of the power of going against common wisdom and how they got it wrong. He will relate the difficulty of dealing with drama queen 5 star recruits and the importance with the Really Kinda Good (RKG) guys and developing their talents.

Mr John (Savvy) Swarbrick Esq. will address the important issue of managing expectations amidst incompetence and how his genius scheduling camouflages weakness and still controls expectations. He will mention his great skill in scheduling attractive games ten years in advance to entice fans and yet allow enough time to escape them by cancellations.

He will hold an important discussion over the importance of the brand relative to the quality of the product. He makes a strong case for the delusional fan base to recognize that the importance of the win-loss record is dwarfed by the importance of the asset-debit lines on boring accounting ledgers. The main value of the W-L record is the bowl game payout and tchotske sales to supporters.

The concluding address will by Mr. Doug Flutie, speaking from The Elevated Podium. Mr. Flutie was a key member of a landmark case study that concluded that there is no truth to the long-held axiomatic statement that “An enemy of my enemy is by definition my friend”. Mr. Flutie will discuss a certain play (ad nauseum) that helped defeat a common enemy.


At the conclusion of the talk, members of the audience will have the opportunity of visiting Notre Dame Stadium. First they can visit Skybox seats and be given the price list and expected donations for available Body Bag Games. All attendees will then have the opportunity to run onto the field through the players’ tunnel while the Victory March is played, hopefully wearing their authentic Notre Dame jersey, available at the Notre Dame Bookstore on campus. Groups of ten will enter at a time and be offered a framed photograph for $50 each. The band director and choreographer will then instruct members to the proper Notre Dame sway and rehearsed the words while the Alma Mater is sung, and all attendees will join in a Group Sway and Alma Mater Mumble. A DVD of the conference, tunnel entry, and Alma Mater sway will be available.

For those who stayed overnight at Zahm House, Ms. Erin Harding (meh) of Notre Dame Residential Life will conduct a Ritual Purification and Dispersal Ceremony for those who stayed at Nouveau Animal House - lest they became infected with the rampant virus which struck there and corrupted the previously well-mannered students, turning them into Zahmbies. They will learn the double secret magical incantation ( “Zahmbo delenda est”) to help ward off the effects that they may have incurred.

Note the discounts are available only today 4/1/2021



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