The responses here once again show this virtual community at its best. In time, may you be at peace.

I don't have much to offer with respect to suicide specifically (and there is what seems to be a lot of great advice below), but I've watched over the last year as my wife has accompanied a close friend whose husband died suddenly and unexpectedly. In the aftermath of the event, our friend was flooded by a lot of support from our community, and a lot of well-intentioned people tried to "fix" things right away. E.g., she was a stay at home mom and a lot of people were throwing job opportunities at her right away. They meant well, but she didn't want a job right away, she didn't want a quick "fix," she wanted to grieve and be there with her kids.

She and my wife were good friends before her husband passed, but have become a lot closer over the last year. And I think that's mostly due to the fact that my wife is just there, and has been consistently even when some of the initial outpouring of support started to fade. There to cry together when that's what she needs, there to listen to stories about her late husband when that's what she wants to talk about, there to do the every day fun things that friends do together, there to help troubleshoot when something difficult comes up, but most importantly just there. So that'd be the best advice I can offer. Don't try to "fix" anything, because you can't. Just be there. If they want or need some space that's understandable, but make sure they know you're not going anywhere. You're there to listen to the hard stuff, there to do the normal everyday stuff that you've always done together. Just there for everything and anything they want or need.

About 40 years ago, my daughter made some kind of a comment in front of my second wife that seemed innocent enough to me. My wife, however, was all over it. She was incredibly perceptive.

My daughter had a detailed plan that she intended to follow that very evening. Instead, she got the help she needed.

My deepest sympathies to your friends and to you. Would that there was more I could give.

helpful messages below, but wanted to say I'm sorry for you, for your friend, for their family and friends, and I'm thinking of all of you.

I have no directly analogous experience, but friends of ours had their 13 year old daughter murdered while walking around their leafy suburban neighborhood back in 2021. I just try to listen to whatever they have to say, whenever they feel the need to say it. Some days are better than others, but they are changed people, and always will be.

There had been problems for years. She was living with them. Walked out in the driveway and ended it. He’s devastated. We usually eat as a group a few days a week and have for 15 years. Nobody knows what to say. I just tell him I love him.

This is a special place.

I want to say some things, but so many others have gone over and above.

May your friend receive God’s grace and be comforted by your friendship.

First and foremost, I am sorry for your loss.

My sister died by suicide in 1996 when she was 27 and I was 25. At first they thought she was murdered but it was determined to be a suicide and I was the one to tell my parents and my other sister the news. 29 years later that memory of delivering that news still haunts me.

From experience, I can tell you that the loved ones will feel guilt. And there is a perceived stigma with having a family member who dies by suicide. My sister was adopted as an infant, and for years when the story of my sister's death came up, I always made sure to say that she was adopted so that people wouldn't start wondering if I too had mental health issues. Fortunately, I have grown past that stage and can now deal with the topic better.

The guilt and sadness take a long time to go away. My experience is that right after a tragic event like this happens, many people step up, and then there is a sharp decline in the support. But the need for support doesn't go away as quickly.

So to answer your question, I suggest being supportive now and for as long as you can be. Be generous with your time with your friend. Time is the most valuable gift we can give a loved one. Even if your friend appears to be doing okay, keep supporting them. The support can be in any way that is needed - reminiscing about the lost family member; crying with them; listening to your friend express their anger over why someone would do this; doing an activity that takes their mind off of the tragedy; or just being present so that your friend isn't alone when they don't want to be alone. The nature of the support will change over time. As with the passing of any loved one, try to get them to focus on the positive memories, but when they need to cry about the sadness, be sad with them, and then help build them back up. I also think it is hard to figure out when to try to answer questions and when to just be there for someone to ask questions to out loud and know that they aren't looking for an answer, they just want to ask the question out loud and not have it living in their head. It can be a tough read of the situation but do your best.

Finally, I would suggest trying to stay in tune with the mental health of the family. If you feel one is slipping and needs professional help, figure out how to encourage them to get professional help.

know about losing a child.

The most important thing you can do for the parents and other family members is simply be there. Say so. "I'm so sorry, but just know I'm here for you." That means more than anything else.

If you know their religious belief system and you are absolutely sure about it, and it coincides with yours, then speaking in terms of those beliefs and the understanding of an afterlife may be comforting. But if you aren't certain, then don't use your beliefs to try and comfort them. Things like, "He is in a better place." or "He is at peace." or "He is no longer suffering." may seem comforting, but they are not and may be the opposite.

Trying to make sense of such overwhelming loss is futile. It isn't what they need to hear. Just let them know you are there for them and are willing to do whatever they need in the moment.

I still remember vividly, 43 years later, sitting in the large surgical waiting area with numerous other families in a large teaching hospital where my 6 week old daughter was undergoing an exploratory surgery to confirm a suspected diagnosis of a condition that, at the time, was effectively a death sentence as few lived beyond 18 months. (Fortunately, the survival rate changed drastically beginning that year.) The surgeon who I worked under came out and told us that she did, in fact, have the condition. We spoke briefly about next steps and then he left to go back to her.

My wife and I were left in this very public place, surrounded by many people, but felt utterly alone. We were sobbing uncontrollably. An old black minister, of what faith I do not know, came up to us, introduced himself, and said, "May I sit with you?" He sat down beside us and didn't say anything. He just let us know we weren't alone. That act of kindness remains overwhelming for me to this day.

I can't offer any better advice or suggestions.

My brain has blocked out a lot of what happened in those initial first few weeks. But I remember the friend that would just drop off food at our front door and leave, so we didn’t even need to feel the obligation to talk to them. It was exactly what we needed.

And I remember the teacher who stopped by with coloring books for my other kids and a stuffed animal for each of them, so they had someone to talk to if they wanted to. My kids still have those stuffed animals on their bed.

...you need to make sure that they know that it's not their fault.

I've spoken a little about my own mental health issues here before. One thing that counseling opened my eyes to is that, once you've made the decision, your concern for how your actions will impact other people becomes a non-factor. Guilt is far and away the most common emotion felt by those left behind.

When I was about 26, one of my best friend's mother committed suicide after battling depression for years. It was tough to deal with, and in a lot of ways it still hangs over my friend and his siblings. There will be a lot of second guessing, and thinking that they should have done "something", or recognized "signs" that there were issues (or that things were more serious than they thought). It's not their fault. It..is..not..their..fault. The sad reality is that there is nothing that you can do other than support your friend. Just be there for them - but don't smother them, it's a fine line. I did some suicide awareness events with my friend and his family to help support them over the years and I used to make sure to call him (pre cell phone days) around the anniversary of his mom's passing just to make sure that he was ok. We mostly just try to remember the good times that we had growing up, before there were any signs of depression with his mother. It just takes time.

I lost my brother to suicide 15 years ago. Two thoughts:

- In the days immediately after his death, my mother felt intense pain that she didn't get closure with him, never got to hear from him about what he was going through, never got to say goodbye. She was constantly waiting for a message to come from him to help her understand and get a final moment of connection.

My wife's grandfather, who is a priest in the Greek Orthodox church, sent my mother a letter "from" him - she received it roughly a week after his death. I don't think the letter was unique to my brother - unfortunately, I believe my grandfather had sent these letters to other families as well. The letter was a message of love and forgiveness, emphasizing that he was now at rest, and it honestly gave my mother a tremendous amount of peace and a semblance of closure. I bring up my grandfather's vocation, as I think it matters who a message like this comes from, but I just relay that in my situation it was powerful and did a lot of good.

- Similar to suggestions below, love the family, because I imagine they are feeling not just sadness, but also immense guilt. I know I was, for a long time. Losing someone is always difficult, but incorrect or not, all of close to him felt guilty for not having done more to "save" him. I echo the advice below about doing your best to alleviate that guilt (and their concerns about what has happened to the person post-suicide). I don't imagine they'll agree right away, but hearing it will be helpful nonetheless.

I hope these thoughts help.

I've had a few friends commit suicide over the years. First one happened to a buddy of mine back home when I was at ND. The last one was a colleague's husband last year. I lost a former student and a two fellow attorney friends. I had a cousin do it, which seemed to come out of nowhere since he had the most wonderful parents anyone could dream of. There seems to always be a what if game people play in their minds when it happens. If I'd had done this instead of that, etc., which is torturous. I got to where I'd clam up and shut down after the third funeral.

Now I handle it like I do any other death, which is difficult to do because there's so much weight to it. Seeing someone succumb to leukemia is somehow different and more acceptable. But like that same person, when someone commits suicide, the body is gone, the pain is gone. It leaves a deeper hole than other ways out, which is agony for parents, I'm sure. But rather than let their death be an endless source of heartache, you now have someone to communicate with when you pray that seems a lot closer to you than any saint from 600 years ago. I don't have any catechetical basis for this, it's just based on my observations, but I think God is quick to care for those souls who suffered most in this life. Reckon it reminds Him of His Son. So this young man now has a special place, but he has a lot to care for and worry over given how he died. Give him that chance. Pray to him. Go to adoration or sit quietly somewhere and pray to him. Even if you don't hear anything, the mere act of speaking to him, even now, will help ease things. It'll mean he isn't completely gone or lost.

I feel so much for your friend and their family going through this. It is an absolutely soul-crushing loss. Your friend is likely still in shock, and your support will be especially important once that shock is over and the initial wave of attention ebbs. In the coming months, reach out to your friend to get together and offer to sit with them. Only in the last year—the third since my nephew John’s suicide—has my sibling opened up about his death.

To echo one of the posts below, write down memories of your friend’s son and share them with your friend. One of the kindest things one of my late nephew John’s close friends did for me was to share a couple of videos John sent to him. John liked to record funny videos, often with himself in them, and one of the two his friend sent me was particularly poignant. I’ve rewatched that one many times along with others John sent to me. Just seeing and hearing John again has been a huge comfort. I also put my videos and photos of John on thumb drives to give to his parents. I’m not sure if they’ve even watched them yet, but I know they’re grateful to have them.

If your friend is in the DC area, Haven of Northern Virginia (linked below) runs both in-person and online support groups for people who have lost someone to suicide. There are others throughout the country which can be found through the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP) website. I can only speak from my experience with Haven, but talking with others who have experienced suicide loss and the feelings that come with it has been tremendously comforting. There are also groups such as the Compassionate Friends for parents who have lost a child and a Christian one that my sib and spouse attend called Our Hearts Are Home.

The responses below are excellent. I hope these additonal suggestions might be helpful down the line. For now, be a good friend to them and follow their lead as far as listening or being left alone. I’ll keep you, your friends, and their family in my prayers. Condolences to you all.

• Click here for link at https://www.havenofnova.org/

and while driving (in the tour bus) the priests on the bus would take questions about faith from the passengers. The questions began about suicides and one of the priests said he was uniquely qualified because he was second on the scene (after the guy's father) after the priest's nephew had killed himself with a shotgun. The first thing the grieving father asked his brother the priest was "So, is Joe in Hell?" The priest kindly answered "More than anyone else, God does not want Joe to be in Hell and I can't believe in a moment of mental weakness after a life of good works that God would think Joe deserved to be in Hell." That answer stuck with me and I hope it helps you.

One of my best friends took his life a few months ago. My mom advised to write a letter full of memories to his family (in this case it was one to his father, one to his sister, and another to his wife & child) because months from now the care and looking-after will have decreased but those letters will remain constant.

There’s no other way to think of it. Leave the suicide, the details of it, and the uncomfortableness of it alone. Losing the child is the horror of it. What does it matter if it was a fatal car accident, or an accidental drowning, or a suicide? It doesn’t. The loss is the same.

The family should lose the idea of any sin, guilt, and shame to be associated with the boy. No one in their right mind kills themselves or wants to kill themselves. The child was obviously suffering from a depression, anxiety, some kind of mental illness, a chemical imbalance, a loss of hope, some kind of feeling (if any feeling at all) that was so awful…that the idea of waking up tomorrow trying to deal with it was worse than making the painful decision to put all of the bad feelings away today. For good. Once and for all. Finally.

Don’t pray for his soul. Pray for all of us that let him down. Pray for those of us that made a remark that lasted way too long. For those of us that didn’t reach out, that didn’t notice, or that didn’t care to notice, or maybe for those of us who didn’t even think to ask. Pray that all of us speak more about depression, bipolar disorder, anxiety and the like. And pray that all of us don’t hesitate to open our mouths tomorrow.

Pray for us to get better at paying attention. Pray for it to be less embarrassing to talk about depression tomorrow than it was today. And then pray tomorrow that it’ll be less embarrassing to talk about depression and mental illness today than it even was the day before. Forever. And then pray again.

The boy is resting now after the exhaustion of running away from whatever awful, awful fucking thing that was chasing him. So there’s no judgement theology to be brought into it, because the Lord, wherever he is and in whatever funny outfit he dresses in, isn’t looking down at the boy, banished forever in some terrible fire and hell. The boy’s hell was indeed here on this Earth.

I am certain that the Lord is holding the boy now, has been entrusted with his care, and will love him forever. As we all should.


Edit: I have tears streaming down my face as I finished writing this, because as some of you may remember, it is very, very close to home.

I am very sad for the family, for our collective human family, and very sorry for your loss, Giggity. Make sure that his parents know that he loved them very much.

I remember. Thank you for sharing your wisdom. Sending you much love.

The loss of hope you mention stands out to me. I can see how good people with decent lives could be done. Just done. Not mad or deranged. No stigma or blame. Just done.

Grateful to have lived, and just done.

I hope all who are dealing with suicide have peace.

This post is pure evidence of it. When someone comes back into a place after 2 1/2 years away and is just where he is meant to be when he's meant to be there.

Thank you for the beautiful response.

A great response to a wonderfully thoughtful post. This place is just special. My heart goes out to Giggity, ferndog and others who are experiencing this type of loss.

Crying over here, too.