Gotcha

Including both a median and a mean for 1,000 or so high schoolers over 5 years takes about 20 seconds to implement. Is it really satisfactory though? I think what people really want is less stats but more meaningful ones.

I have the same problem with Efficiency and something called PCR which is Efficiency that better reflects guard contributions of assists, blocks and steals. A complaint about Efficiency is that it favors centers and forwards. For example, Ruthy Hebard had a slightly better Efficiency rating than Sabrina Ionescu last year, but Sabrina's PCR was higher. I could use both, but I think it would be more confusing than it's worth (and less consistent). Everyone knows the value of both those players.

As you wisely say in you last paragraph. OK, I'm going to paraphrase here. What are we looking for on the Bench, the mood of a stat class or the character of a sports bar—a high class sports bar? The banter and repartee is what I'm looking for (along with a few games), but a few understandable, meaningful stats can get the conversation going.