Live far enough away from family.

Don't date, sleep with or for God's sake marry a woman with an elaborate Southern accent.

If your college roommate is a 6'5" African American defensive end, towel off and dress in the shower stall.

When you hate your job but have to stick it out, IBS comes in real handy to balance the scales.

Don't ever go fishing, hunting, play golf, or clean the work shed with your mentally handicapped uncle who's on a bender. And if you do because your grandad told you to and he once killed a Nazi prison guard with a shovel at Buchenwald, then make sure your affairs are in order such as who gets your Soundgarden and OutKast CDs and your 1986 Dale Murphy TOPPS card.

Once you have 4 kids, seize every opportunity for sex you can find. Even if its cleaning the parish hall when no one is around or its taking a business shower covered in sand.